


Petty Revenge

by LadyBookwormWithTeeth



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Awkwardness, Friendship, Gen, Revenge, Sex Shops, pre-fire hunter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 03:15:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7249783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyBookwormWithTeeth/pseuds/LadyBookwormWithTeeth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where Jefferson has a new salesman and Neal wants revenge. And yes, the bad puns are back. A side-fic for A DOZEN ROSES focused on Neal, Jefferson and Graham.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Petty Revenge

**Author's Note:**

> this side-fic is part of the A Dozen Roses universe. It takes place more or less at the same time as My Sunday Rest (Parts I and II).
> 
> Beta: MaddieBonanaFana

Let it be said that Neal was very aware that he was being immature, but after the day he'd just had, his judgment was impaired. If he couldn't handle things like a proper grown-up and talk things through with Hader (because he was an asshole who'd rather throw a fit because you showed up to work without a tie and treat you like a leper for eight hours than actually have a mature conversation with a mere intern), then he'd do something childish and petty that would make him feel immediately better, even if it proved to be a bad idea in the long run.

The Mad Hatter's was empty when he came through the door, which was to be expected for a Sunday evening. Not even the cashier was in sight, so Neal tapped the bell on the counter twice, announcing in a chipper voice, “Hey, Ash! Come here and sell me your _finest_ butt plug!”

“I'll be right there with you, sir!”

Neal looked over his shoulder. That was most definitely not Ashley's voice.

From the back of the shop, a man emerged from behind the shelves and hurried to the front counter. After a second look, Neal concluded that he didn't know this person, but he had a smile ready for retail and his steps were a little too eager. He wanted to please, so he was probably new at the job.

“How can I help you tonight, sir?” he asked, hands folded over the counter, looking very proper and somewhat misplaced in the middle of Jefferson's shop.

“Where's Ashley?” Neal asked.

“She's on maternity leave as of yesterday.”

“Already?”

“Yes, she's rather pregnant. But I'm sure I can help you. Now, our _finest_ plug...” he pressed some computer keys. “Did you have a size in mind?”

“It's for a gag gift,” Neal added, quickly. It was one thing to say those things to Ashley, whom he'd known for years and would only reply to his teasing with an outraged, “Good god, Neal! Have you no decency?” As if she hadn't heard worse things all day long. Talking like that to a stranger, though, that was something else entirely.

“Oh, right, of course,” said the new guy, making an effort to sound like he believed Neal. “So, did you have a size in mind for your gag gift? And should I add lube to your purchase?”

“What did I say, new guy? You should always add lube to a purchase!”

“Jefferson! Thank god!” Neal said, as the owner of the Mad Hatter's came from the door that led to his office.

“Hey! I thought I heard the voice of my favorite godson!”

Neal laughed and gave him a tight hug, as the new guy watched, caught unaware by the sudden display of affection between Boss and Customer. There were probably no guidelines about it in his rule book.

“You know,” Neal said, “just saying that won't change dad's mind.”

“Bullshit! We're practically related, I don't care what that asshole says. Have you met Graham? He's filling Ashley's shoes while she's on leave.” To the new guy, he said, “Graham, this is Rumpelstiltskin's son.”

Graham stared at Jefferson as if he was worried about his sanity. Judging by the slight exasperation in his eyes, Neal could guess it wasn't the first time.

“You know, the guy from the rope.”

“Ah.”

“Good old Rumple. His name is Baelfire, but everyone just calls him Neal.”

“Okay,” Graham said, hesitantly. As far as he was concerned, Neal should only be addressed as “the customer” or “sir”, so learning first names was pointless.

“What are you doing here anyway?”

Neal shrugged and said, “Oh, I just... came to pick up some things.” At the same time that Graham said, “He needs our finest anal plug.”

They stared at each other, Neal with a glare, and Graham with the sudden realization that he had done something wrong.

Jefferson, however, sounded so very proud. “Aw, don't be embarrassed, Neal. It's so great that you're trying new things.”

“You see, it's for saying things like that that dad won't make you my godfather,” Neal said. “And it's not for me. Hader is being a pain in my ass, so... I've decided to get him an anal plug, as a gift.”

Jefferson nodded slowly. “I... feel like you're trying to make a pun, but you're falling short.”

Graham, however, laughed. “I got it. It's quite clever, actually.”

“See? The new guy thinks I'm clever.”

“Neal, you do realize that anal plugs are not supposed to be a literal pain in your ass, as long as you use them properly,” Jefferson said, ignoring his employee. “Surely your dad had this conversation with you.”

“He... did not. And I hope to god he never does.”

“It just feels like you're perpetuating harmful myths about anal sex.”

“Jeff, there is a time to be political, and a time to be supportive.”

“I have a dildo with spikes,” Jefferson suggested. “Might be more appropriate to your childish prank.”

Neal hissed his teeth. “Who buys this stuff?”

“Don't knock it 'til you try it.”

Jefferson and Neal both turned to look at Graham. His smile was dissolved into a deep shade of red on his cheeks.

“That was a joke,” he explained. “I don't- I've never- I'll go get your plug.”

“Where did you find the new guy?” Neal asked, as Graham hid himself as far in the back of the store as he could.

“Ashley's friend. She told me he was desperate for a job, and he's got retail experience, so...”

“Working where? Ikea?”

“Yes. And book shops. I thought the adaptation would be complicated, but so far he's been a brave little soldier. He has to lose that creepy smile, though. It works well for Indigo, but if you smile like that in a sex shop, people will think you're a pervert.”

“I can imagine.”

“Besides, he's quite attractive when he's not acting like a cog in the machine. How's Rumple?”

“His leg hurts because of the rain. He's in his typical bad mood. And I just told him I'm going to New York City by myself.”

Jefferson raised an eyebrow. “What happened to Tamara?”

“We broke up.”

“I bet old Rumple is going insane.”

“Probably. I don't know. I dropped the news at breakfast and left before he got the chance to try to convince me otherwise.”

“Coward.”

“Hey, you remember it was hard enough to convince him I'd be fine with Tamara. Some alone time will be good for him. Besides, you know he's just going to repeat everything we already talked about, at length. But what if you can't find a job? But what if you get hurt? But what if you don't like New York? But what if your new roommate is a psychopath?”

“I'm sure you'll have time to cover all these topics, and more, tonight.”

“Yeah, which reminds me, I need something to distract him. Got any orders? Something that makes him angry at you instead?”

“He's got the orders for the week already. And as your unofficial godfather, I think you'd both benefit from a little screaming.”

Graham came back before Neal could argue. He said, “So, I've been thinking. If this is only for your boss, and it's a joke, why don't you go small instead of big?”

“What, like, offend his masculinity?” Neal asked.

Jefferson shook his head. “Graham, that's just _another_ harmful stereotype that-”

“Pa pa pa!” Neal cut in, raising a finger and actually taking it to Jefferson's lips to make him go quiet. “I think the new guy is on to something.”

“Actually, Mr. Hats, what I mean is that he should be subtle. Does he keep knickknacks on his table?”

“Nah, he's one of those neat freaks. The only knickknacks he has are these ugly-ass sculptures.”

“That actually works much better. Why don't you give him one of these?”

Graham placed a box on the counter. Inside, there was a glass wand shaped in the form of a rose, its head detailed with round petals in a girly shade of pink, its body colorless and lumped. Just by looking at it, Neal knew exactly what it was for, but it was so beautifully labored that it could pass for a work of art. Come to think of it, it was actually more artistic than half the shit Hader had in his office.

“Just think about it,” Graham said. “You send it over the mail, pretend it's from a gallery or something, and he's going to keep it in plain sight. But you'll know what it really is.”

“Yes,” Jefferson said, finally on board with the idea. “You could even say it's an idol for prosperity and bloom, or some other bullshit.”

Neal laughed, then pointed a finger at Graham. “I like the new guy. The new guy can stay.”

“Well done, Graham,” Jefferson nodded. “Maybe there's hope for you yet, my apprentice.”

Graham opened the first genuine smile Neal had seen on his face. Jefferson was right, he was quite a handsome man.

“Thank you, Mr. Hats. Should I gift wrap it?”

“We don't gift wrap.”

His smile froze on his face and the little twinkle in his eye died.

“Okay...” he said. “I'll just... put it in a nice bag.”

“That's the spirit! And give Neal 10% off.”

“Wow, really?” Neal said, smiling.

“It's only fair. After all, your dad designed it.”

Neal winced. “Ah... there it is.”

“There is what?”

“The reason why I never buy things in here.”

 


End file.
